5 Things Emergency-Room Doctors Have Found In People's Butts (and 5 Sex Toys That Would Achieve Similar Purposes, More Safely)

People put a lot of weird things up their butt. This is a known fact for many of us, but especially for emergency-room doctors and nurses, who have to deal with this shit on a daily basis.

But it doesn’t have to be this way! Many of the objects commonly found in the butts of poor unfortunate souls could be replaced with similar-ish sex toys, for an experience that would be far more pleasurable and would result in far fewer visits to the emergency room.

Here are some real objects doctors have found up people’s asses, and some sex toy suggestions for the poor saps who put them there…

A Deadspin article reports that someone put a shot glass up their butt in 2014. This doesn’t surprise me: the cold, firm quality of glass makes it a highly pleasurable sex toy material. If this person’s shot glass had had a flared base, they would’ve been fine!

In that spirit, I recommend they give a glass butt plug a “shot” instead. It’s far easier to insert, has fewer sharp edges, and won’t get sucked up into the intestines. A definite upgrade!

Another person reportedly stuck a Christmas bell up their butt. One can assume they liked the mild vibration inside them – or maybe they just wanted to have a musical rear end!

For a similar sensation (sans melodious dinging), I recommend the Fun Factory Bouncer. It contains three little balls that bounce around inside the body of the toy, creating a feeling of subtle vibration – without the embarrassment of needing to explain to a doctor why you stuck a holiday decoration in your bum.

One person reported to an emergency room with an aerosol canister of deodorant up their butt. While it isn’t the most ergonomic shape for anal insertion (to say the least), they probably inserted the can because they wanted to feel filled up by something firm and girthy.

To that end, I’d recommend the Tom of Finland butt plugs, which range in diameter from 2.25” to 3.25”. The silicone, while relatively firm, will be squishier and more comfortable than the metal of the deodorant can, and the tapered tip will also make these much easier to insert. (These will not, however, deodorize your butt…!)

Dozens, if not hundreds or thousands, of people have had to have vibrators removed from their butts. So close, and yet so far: they were smart enough to use actual sex toys, but apparently didn’t know about the importance of a flared base on a toy meant to be used anally, to ensure it doesn’t get lost up there!

The solution, of course, is a vibrating anal toy, like those by B-Vibe. These vibrate pleasantly and are specifically designed to be butt-safe. No emergency-room trips for you!

One man was discovered in prison to be carrying a random assortment of objects in his butt: 17 pills, a cigarette, six matches, a flint, a syringe, a lip balm container, two condoms, a pharmacy receipt, and a paper coupon, to be exact.

While it sounds like he was basically using his butt as a Bag of Holding, he may also have enjoyed the varied textures of all these objects. If that’s something you’re also into, you might dig the hyper-textured Split Peaches Rivetor dildo. It doesn’t have the same practical usefulness as essentially carrying a pharmacy around in your ass, but it’ll feel better and be easier to clean. And is far less likely to get you arrested by prison security guards.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever put in your butt? Do you regret it?

Peepshow Toys would like to thank sex writer, podcaster and speaker Kate Sloan, of girlyjuice.net, for authoring this blog post.