Enjoying Sexual Submission Through Masturbation by Betty Butch

Though I am a top-leaning Switch, submission is integral to my masturbation routine. This means that when I set aside time for independent pleasure, I intentionally incorporate things that will induce and maintain subspace – that is, a submissive headspace – so that I can enjoy and explore its nuances on my own. 

There’s a great deal of value in indulging your submissive side by yourself. You can spend time discovering and defining what submission means to you, without the pressure of another party’s influence or expectations. You can practice submission as self-care. You can use submission as a vehicle for even more fulfilling self-pleasure, if it’s something that already intrigues you.

And if you take your time and plan ahead, you can do it safely.

Most acts of submission incorporate some form of physicality or emotional vulnerability, and it’s important to prioritize your safety when you’re playing by yourself. This means avoiding risk (you don’t have a partner looking after you), assuming even the safest things might go wrong and having plans for dealing with it, monitoring your feelings and being aware of potential emotional crash-outs, and valuing your own aftercare. If you’re not prepared to do that, it’s best to wait until you have someone else to share that responsibility.

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There are a few methods and “tricks” I come back to in order to inspire those floaty subspace feelings when I’m on my own. These practices fall into four categories: setting the scene, incorporating bondage, utilizing denial, and embracing fantasy.

Setting the Scene

Incorporating Bondage

Bondage can be safely integrated into masturbation, but only in very specific ways. Obviously, anything where your hands or arms are restricted is too dangerous for solo play. As is anything where you (even momentarily) limit your own breathing. This means no wrist cuffs, no hoods or masks, no leashes on collars, and no gags. Blindfolds are also ill-advised.  

When I’m craving physical restriction, I will instead use easily removable ankle bondage. (Rope or other overly manual bindings that can be slow to undo are too dangerous for solo play.) I also like to wear a collar for its symbolism and its reassuring presence on my neck.

By far the safest method of bondage for masturbation is creating the illusion of bondage. Laying on your back and planting your feet on the wall to simulate having your legs raised and bound. Tucking your hands beneath your head or pillow. Getting into sub/pet positions – such as being on your knees and crossing your wrists behind your back – and pretending there’s cuffs to keep you in place.

Utilizing Denial

This is both my favorite and least favorite way of experiencing submission through masturbation.

Edging – building yourself up to the edge of an orgasm and stopping just short – is an especially effective form of submission-inducing self-denial for me, because it requires two of the things that make me feel the most submissive: self-control, and being told no. Committing to edge yourself a certain number of times gives your session a set structure, which can help you feel secure and keep you in subspace.

Impact play – using your hand or implements to strike yourself – can be grounding if you’re masochistic (or experimenting with masochism.) Committing to enduring self-inflicted spanking or thigh-striking before you transition to more traditionally pleasurable endeavors allows you to suss out your limits and reward yourself accordingly.

Orgasm denial or ruining your own orgasm (such as taking your hand or toy away at the last second) will almost certainly result in frustration, but working yourself through that can be a very euphoric experience.

For a gentler approach, you can try pursuing pleasure with toys that are more hands-off, like the Fun Factory Stronic G, Hot Octopus Pocket Pulse, and the Womanizer Inside Out. Giving up physically handling your toys can be a thrilling form of submission. And if you can’t quite let go, powerful toys like wand vibrators that are strong enough to force orgasms can achieve the same feelings of helplessness.

Embracing Fantasy

While some people are comfortable taking full ownership of their own submission, others struggle to find or maintain their submissive identity or experience a submissive frame of mind without dominant play partner(s) present to support them. If you’re the latter but you’d still like to explore when on your own, fantasizing or role playing may be intrinsic to your solo scene.

In the past, I have found pretending I was in a long distance D/s relationship helpful. Even though I wasn’t, treating my masturbation sessions as opportunities to connect with my imaginary far-away Dominant made my scene more exciting. For example, taking clips or selfies while in the act – or just pretending to – as though you’re going to send them to a special flogger-wielding someone. Each picture, self-inflicted smack of a paddle, or ruined orgasm can become tribute to the Dom you’ve made up for yourself, and the imagined distance can help lend credibility to the fantasy.

Likewise, you can just pretend your dominant play partner(s) are present in the room with you, or watching from an imagined camera in your room. You can put on a performance, begging out loud to the fantasy you’ve constructed, showing off or proving your submission through acts of self-punishment and self-pleasure.

These fantasies are the perfect opportunity to experiment. You can imagine yourself in different kinds of submissive roles – pets, service bottoms, pups, littles, etc – as well as construct different kinds of doms to cater to your whims. When you open your mouth to ask for more, are you calling out to a handler? A daddy? When you get on your hands and knees, are you furniture? Are you a puppy? Because you’re in total control of your session, you can explore without having to negotiate specifics (allowing you to follow instincts and impulses), without having to justify yourself, and without having to contend with expectations.

Aftercare

While this isn’t one of my five submission-inducing practices, aftercare is an essential component of BDSM for most people, and you should plan ahead for it even when you’re by yourself. Make sure you have the time, space, and supplies – food, drink, comfort objects, a gentle distraction – prepared. For example, you can make yourself a plate of cookies, be ready to take a bubble bath, or have something in mind for binge-watching. I personally like to have a few soothing Youtube videos queued up on my phone and an easy snack ready at my bedside so I don’t have to get up.

Submission is a profound, vulnerable experience and you’ll need to regain your bearings afterward; this is doubly true if you experience an emotional crash during or after your scene. Plan ahead for extra self-care if you’re feeling wobbly after your session.

You deserve the consideration.   

Betty Butch is a queer, sex-positive blogger who reviews pleasure products and writes about identity and kink at bettybutch.com. You can find her on Twitter via @betty_butch.

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